glue & duct tape
by SebonzaMitsuki27
Summary: YuzuToushirouKarin, implied past ToushirouMomo. Future fic. Such a sloppy way to mend a patchwork heart; the synonymity of their smirks and smiles.
1. when

**when**

* * *

Citrus fruit.

He can smell it, through the darkness, invading his senses. It's not the sweet kind that lingers like the gentle breeze. It's sharp and stays burning around his mouth, almost unpleasant, yet not quite. He can smell it in the air before he even has to open his eyes.

For a while, that's all he does; inhales, exhales, willing for more strength; strength to be better, strength to _see_.

Wonders what happens before the fragmented images slip into his mind.

A Hollow attack. Saving someone. Injuries. Pain. Voices. Darkness.

… voices.

No, _one_ voice. Right now, there's _one voice,_ not voices_._ He can hear _her_, talking in the background. And she's quiet, but her voice alone is overpowering the scent of orange.

"… _hullabaloo. _You'd think there'd be a less interesting word, but no, the word _hullabaloo _exists. Nice, long, and it takes some time to say the syllables without sounding like a clown. See, when I say it, I want to elongate the syllables because it's fun. But then I don't really care if someone looks at me oddly." She sighs, and Hitsugaya Toushirou can picture her smile, lazily spread across her face. It's worry, veiled behind mock frustration. "Funny sort of word though, if it makes one, who is supposed to be _unconscious,_ smile… and make them useless at feigning sleep."

She laughs, and finally, his eyelids flicker open, drinking the sight of her, legs laxly reclining on the white sheets of his bed.

Kurosaki Karin. Here at his bedside, with a peeled orange.

Well, it explains the scent.

"And hello mister sunshine. You know what would be better than simply opening your eyes? A smile. That might help. Or if you talk to me. If you feel up to it. All the same, rest assured, you should be under no pressure to strain yourself. Since you should be flattered that I am gracing your company, the first of many, I assume." It's a drawl, and glitters all the way to her eyes.

Care and concern dances idly, but it's there all the same.

So he only looks at her, his mouth twitching, fighting that inevitable smile that shrinks into a smirk.

"… you talk too much."

Karin snorts into laughter at this, slender fingers dispersing through her hair.

"Oh, be quiet. You know you're still my special snowflake."

She sighs, and it sounds like a breeze; the whisper of a heart breaking.

But the silence is comfortable, until it's broken once more. Because her eyes haven't left him, emotion unconcealed, as desperate as she is to hide it.

"Where is everyone?"

"Don't know." She tells the truth, and her shrug feels bitter. "Really don't. But—Yuzu," and her voice falters, "Yuzu's coming, don't you worry. I just happened to be… I was free. And… they told me first." Apple cheeks ripen, almost red against her fair complexion.

"Karin."

They _have _to talk about it. Discuss. Find out what happens next.

But they don't.

She doesn't, dancing around the matter with a smile on her face.

He doesn't pursue her.

"It's… it's just a crush, snowflake. Okay? That's all it is."

And Karin won't stop playing with her hair, just as she won't look at him when she says this; because both know she's lying and neither can do a damn thing about it.

"You're my best friend." Toushirou can tell her this freely, it's no secret that everyone's accepted. But that's as far as it goes. "But Karin—"

"Eat." Calm, she interrupts, pushing the orange into him.

The citric fruit bursts into his mouth, and her fingers linger on his lips for far too long, before slipping away like a ghost.

She stands up, and makes sure that he can access the rest of the orange, just in case he wants some later. And he watches her reach the door, before she turns back and faces him; smile sliding so easily that it's nearly real.

"I know." Soft, and painful, she speaks, rueful as her arms fold across her chest. "It'll fade. It's just… just a crush. Nothing more."

Her voice is quiet, yet it's still louder than the clacking footsteps in the background.

"But you're…" Karin swallows down words, and tilts her head once more. "… you're alright, aren't you?"

The door opens, and there is the love of his life.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Can't help but look right through her.

And Kurosaki Karin fades away, overshadowed by radiance and tender openness and worry.

His wife.

Hitsugaya Yuzu.

(The tangy taste of citrus remains on his tongue, even if the fruit itself is left forgotten.)

* * *

Disclaimer: bleach is not mine.


	2. a

**a**

* * *

"Hey there." Yuzu smiles, and she's as lovely as ever.

Toushirou smiles back, if faintly, lips upturned. There's still a glow about her that hasn't faded, after everything has been said and done.

Something pure, something untarnished, something that has remained innocent despite her marriage to him, and he loves her for that.

"Hey." Warmth creeps into his heart, a mixture of adoration and bliss. Like light, it casts off the darkness, the shadows of regret and sadness. Her presence is intoxicating, and he cannot stay away. And Yuzu is oblivious to it, as she glides to his bedside, sitting on the stark white sheets, neither noticing the slight bump, a low creak of the mattress, as she laughs softly in relief.

"You're okay." Her forehead touches his, noses bumping, and her eyelashes flutter shut. "You're okay."

She kisses him, and her emotions are everything to him, filling up those broken wounds which no longer show on the outside but remain on the inside. Her fear, her worry, her panic, her tears… her love; the tenth taichou drinks in everything she feels, reciprocating, mouths touching, reluctant to pull away.

This is Yuzu: alive in her blissful simplicity. Their hands entwine, and it's more than enough for both beating hearts.

Stillness exists, and with it comes peace.

This is where their love story began, where Hitsugaya Toushirou first saw Kurosaki Yuzu. He woke in a hospital bed, and there, an angelic creature was staring down at him. Blinking prettily, her big brown eyes flashed violet for a second, his mind playing tricks. Honey brown hair darkened in that moment before returning to its original colour, a sudden calm after a storm. Her face was above his, haloed by the sun, surrounded by the absence of darkness. It's a vision embedded in his mind since then.

A moment of perfect clarity and tranquillity, the gentleness of her spirit and the joy in her grin.

Later Toushirou would discover that he was her first patient when she joined Fourth Division.

It was different sensation, the first in a long time, her elation contagious, melting the ice rusted red when his closest friend was killed by his _zanpakutou. _

Everyone said—everyone murmured that it wasn't his fault, their consolation falling flat, and even now, he doesn't believe it and never will. Aizen manipulated his senses, and the result was fatality.

For the longest time, he lived in bleak winter: a deadened life, the paperwork mechanical and the bloodstains never truly erased. He blamed himself, because who else was at fault? Who killed Momo, his friend, his responsibility? He did.

But she, Yuzu, was… something else. She was a stranger, drifting between the beauty of dreams and the beauty of reality, perceiving everything with a strange sweetness which did not suffocate him like the flavour of peaches. No, Yuzu was more like a lemon, though he couldn't say why. She was not like a lemon in the orthodox sense, and part of that fascinated him.

Kurosaki Yuzu was a ghost, a corporeal _shinigami._ She was familiar, similar… and yet there was a discernable difference. Just enough.

From then on, he kept an eye on her, watching her grow and smile, flaunting a mischievous grin to anyone who asked.

The more he talked to her, the brighter the days seemed to be. Warmth spread, more than his heart, transferring to her cheeks.

Time passed, and Yuzu went out of her way to discuss trivialities with him. Electricity built up slowly between them, swallowed down by her giggles and glances that said too much and too little at the same time. He, in return, protected her, treating her with care. There were times when her strength showed, and she was prepared to be impassive: molten iron because she understood that there was a time when she had to fight and stand her ground. And at other times, she was meek and mild, and what was left was a rosy tinted blush.

So they waltzed around each other, trembling on the line of fear, friends, and lovers.

And then, one day, he kissed her, chaste and unable to resist, the temptation too great. And this moment changed everything, eventually sealed by marriage.

Perhaps he should have come to terms with his past at that point, move on like everyone thought he already had.

But Karin changed that.

The odder and older sister, Karin; the temperamental cataclysm who threw him off guard, juggling satsumas in her free time.

Always there, yet never present. Always on a different wavelength that didn't quite correlate. It unnerved him, the way her dark eyes rested on him. But time passed, something… happened. Friendship and…

They were two sisters alike in dignity, and yet so very different, complimentary foils. Their traits meshed and strengthened and balanced out whenever they were in the same room, their banter flowing like clear water.

Both of them brought the sun to life, one like oxygen, the other the sky.

He was both surprised and unsurprised they were related to Kurosaki Ichigo.

And then his wife breathes, ending his reverie and returning Hitsugaya Toushirou to the present.

Yuzu pulls away, only millimetres apart from him, her hand still in his, and asks, "_Are_ you okay?"

"Yes," Toushirou exhales, taking this beautiful woman in, knowing that he loves her unequivocally. "… yes, I am now."

Because she is there, and she is enough.

(All he sees is _her._)


	3. heart

**heart**

* * *

Yuzu knows when something is amiss.

Little details, tiny things, threads woven into a pattern that people tend to overlook in a sheet of fabric. The same applies to her family and friends, more interwoven by love, and her intuition hurts sometimes because she is so perceptive.

Some things are best left alone, the truth eventually willing out. Others are best dealt immediately.

And she just doesn't know which it is this time.

The distance is… natural, she supposes, as she straightens the bed sheets. Part of the marriage. It's expected. And their love will overcome it.

One step at a time.

Because anything—_anything_—given time, can be conquered.

She believes in that, at the very least.

He has always been a sweet lover, kissing her at the corner of her mouth, and his hands are always a gentle squeeze, a comforting habit that never fails to reassure her.

Sometimes he gave her a glance—more poignant than the rest—usually when he thought she wasn't looking. He'd wear a smile, and his eyes would gleam with joy and nostalgia. His smile would fall away, so beautifully, like he was taking a step back, away from a photo to admire the view and take it in, trying and failing to keep his breath. But sometimes she couldn't resist, and she'd glance back, catching him in the act and give her smile to him. She would giggle as her hands found his shoulders and relaxed at the ridges, his sweeping collar bone, and kiss him, mouths softly, barely touching. It felt so innocent, so terribly, terribly innocent.

Moments like this made them feel like children again. Playing games with no consequences, games that lifted them up into the air; and there was no need for wings.

Basking in a realm of eternal bliss, where happiness shone like the sun, she could feel his mouth curve against her neck, mouthing 'I love you' and her name, again and again and again.

Lilies are caramelizing in the sun, and the scent is heady with sunbeams and a pure sense of radiance. Yuzu looks at them, the lilies in the glass vase, half-filled with water. The first flowers that he gave her were lilies, and she can remember that it easily. He cheeks were red as he almost shoved them in her hands while he held the white flowers tightly.

The original flowers had withered, but the fragrance still remained. But even that became odourless, the aroma slowly dispersing in the air.

Truthfully, they are her favourite flowers because of him. Even if the replaced lilies didn't contain the magic that entranced her then.

But…

… he was okay.

He was okay now.

He'd been attacked by a Hollow as he tried to save someone.

Her brave, beautiful husband.

And he was on the path to recovery. His wounds had been healed, and he was already back to work. Yet, there lingered a scar in his mind. He never said it, but little things gave his discomfort away.

Still, that was when the distance began.

Her lips tried to meet his, and he'd turn away, ever so slightly. That expression on his face was no more when he looked at her, but she didn't return the gesture, choosing the focus on perfecting their meal and wondering what to say next. It was as if a void of emptiness had swallowed them, erasing their quiet moments of enjoying each other's presence and only letting them have feelings of awkwardness instead.

She had only noticed through peripheral vision. Gradually, trouble replaced the sweetness that contained their love. But he still held her hand and lean in to smell her hair, muttering little nothings that made her giggle, even if she tried to stifle her laughter.

Even so, he'd begun to hold her differently, his hand on her chin tilted upwards, as he dipped his head to meet hers.

As if he was… afraid of something. Something that was tenuously breaking apart and he was panicking under his skin, as if his chance was gone. It was disconcerting, this mystery, to say the least.

Though he was always gentle and kind, he'd never been _this_ cautious. Like she was made of glass, and about to shatter… had the Hollow horrified him so much that it dented their relationship?

He hadn't talked about it, and she'd given him space, hoping that he'd get better. Bounce back into his usual 'funk,' as Karin would say quite bluntly; if she knew about their… marital problem.

Perhaps that was when she truly realized their distance; his lack of communication. And it grew in the darkness when she shut her eyes, and all she heard was the sound of his (un)steady breath before she went to sleep.

Yet it didn't end there, this ever-growing rift. It wasn't just between herself and Toushirou; but also between Karin and their marriage. Two centrepieces that were heavily affected in Yuzu's world.

It was a strain that threatened to tear everything apart, and unravel the delicate needlework that was woven between them.

Almost like Karin's particular method of peeling tangerines. She cheekily used her _shikai_ out of sheer laziness to remove the skin; always grinning, always laughing idly as she used her _zanpakutou_ while 'helping' Yuzu in the kitchen. Even then, Karin was restraining herself, though these days Yuzu found it harder to see past the carefree smirk Karin wore on her face. Sighing, Yuzu remembered how easy it had been, as easy as breathing.

But she trusts her big sister. She had, she does, and she always will.

No matter what happens.

Even if the combination of juggling tangerines and using her _shikai_ didn't exactly go to plan and caused a hindrance rather than a help to the cooking, Yuzu still loved her sister. Karin scowled when her experiments went wrong while Yuzu's chagrin never lasted too long giving way to laughter. Eventually, Karin joined in, chuckling, and murmured that _perhaps_ her sister was better suited to her _zanpakutou._ At least in the kitchen. Amused, Yuzu arched one eyebrow, while Karin's arms akimbo. There was no doubt that Karin would snark about it later, and indeed, she did.

Strange, how some of this is left unspoken; is better left unsaid.

"You're happy, aren't you?" Karin sighed, one night, leaning on the wall, crashing at their place because sometimes she couldn't stand being alone. "Right?"

"Why wouldn't I be, Karin-chan?" Bemused, Yuzu replied, albeit guardedly. Her grin felt odd to her own face, misplaced for a fleeting second while she saw her husband in her mind. Karin looked away, perhaps because of the undefined undercurrent of sadness in the air. And the void—the distance—was there, and Yuzu knew that she had to shake that feeling away. "I've got you. I've got Toushirou. I've got Tou-san. I've got Ichi-nii. Why wouldn't I be happy, Karin, if I have such a lucky family and you as a sister?"

And some things are better said aloud.

"I just…" Karin bit her lip, and slid down the wall, struggling to breathe and Yuzu embraced her, wanting so desperately to protect her from the world in that moment. "I just wanted you to know… that I will always choose you first."

Karin wouldn't say anything else that night, turning in to sleep and Yuzu knew better than to ask.

Even now, Karin's reticence hurts Yuzu, but the pain is forgotten as Karin unleashes disparaging comments about Toushirou every day. But he doesn't mind, bantering back and making Karin simply glare at him when she's lost their verbal spar. To Yuzu's delight, Toushirou is just as bad when he loses, pouting and grumbling while Karin smiles her winning smile. The jabs are nothing more than amicable vitriol, and the two of them are simply best friends.

However, there's a depth in that relationship, so very quiet that Yuzu cannot fathom it. It's a flicker, then gone. She's not even sure it's there. Is she jealous of something that's not there? Is it just a bad dream that she merely cannot wake up from?

She wonders if _that_ is best left alone.

All three of them hold things back and keep their secrets. They tell one another different sorts of things and act differently around each other; more comfortable as a trio.

Their love connects, sustains and binds them together, a tenuous tangle of threads they weave.

Time, place, she knows that all the constants in the world matter to make and break a relationship.

Turning away from the white scented lilies, she can hear their voices, her husband's and her sister's. Just outside their house. She grins, because she asked him to fetch Karin, and they're early. It's quite endearing, actually. Present day, here and now, she has to cherish them while she can. And she loves them, both of them, unconditionally. Her sentiments make her smile, warming her cheeks, and she moves to the front door to greet them and welcome them home.

(Later, she'll be able to pinpoint that this moment as the moment when it all went wrong.)


	4. breaks

**breaks**

* * *

There are always limits, and Karin was a fool for thinking that she could carry it all and that nothing would change.

Everything changes.

It's a slow build up, how her heart quickens and her cheeks flush. How she has to look away when her sister kisses him, her hands on his shoulders and his hands on her waist. If she really listens, she can hear their murmured exchanged of _I love you_ and the traces of a giggle nearly tangible in the air. And then the urge rises, some desperate need to get away.

There are paths she could take. Words she could say. Manipulate the odds against her sister and drive him towards her self. She could.

She could… if she really, really wanted to.

But she won't. She _won't._

Never. Not _ever_.

That's not who she is. Not even… not even if she's in love with the man who makes her sister happy.

_Kami._

Karin doesn't know how it started. The _how_, the _when_, the _where_… those details were blurred in time and sown in the earth, and they waited, unseen, to grow and bloom. Perhaps it only took one summer solstice to realize something was wrong with the landscape. Little prickles of dislike flickered in Yuzu's presence; prickling thorns on her thumb. Longing grew when she was Toushirou, more so when he was far away, a droplet of blood on petals.

One morning she woke up, and she realized. She saw herself falling to the sidelines when the bouquet landed in her ready hands soft and silky but sharp.

And she remembered how Toushirou, her special snowflake, lit up the day she—Karin—with the help of Yuzu's 'professional' expertise, made a successful cheesecake.

Those feelings were bad. They had to be trapped, kept in a box, and locked away. No, not a box; a _casket_. They needed to die and be buried, they needed to no longer exist.

Because… because they couldn't be _real._ It was… a crush. Yes, a crush; a petty side effect of being the sister who wasn't married. She was only projected her wounded pride onto Toushirou. That was it. That had to be it.

Loneliness caused her to feel like this. Caused her blood to rush to her face and stuttering slightly on her tongue whenever she was near him. Caused her to grin absentmindedly whenever her thoughts drifted… always returning to him. Caused her sleepless nights to the point of insomnia that made her raid the fridge in order to endure and stand the absurdly bright morning.

Yes. Lonely. That was it.

Simply put, her feelings weren't real. Because they couldn't be.

They shouldn't be.

No.

They _weren't_.

Not real. Not there. Just… her mind was playing tricks on her every time he furrowed his brow and frowned when she found yet another reason to tease him, heart skipping—

_No!_

Those feelings weren't real. Weren't real at all.

She fought it, denying and denying until—

Until she couldn't.

And Yuzu was right _there_ the instant Karin lost the will to fight, this _stupid_ mental battle that was doomed from the start. Yuzu had comforted her, completely oblivious to the cause of her despair. Yuzu had wrapped her arms around her like a security blanket. Despite being frustrated by her denial, knowing and accepting the truth… it hadn't lessened her burden. But, perhaps, her acceptance would eventually make it easier to bear, make it easier to breathe and exist beside their happy bubble.

Maybe it would, but along the way, her weariness had zapped her energy. And Karin was horrified when she discovered this.

But she tried, all the same, to regain the energy that sparked so effortlessly before her… _realization_ of him and her. She tried to grin, and act like nothing was wrong… like nothing was wrong at all…

It wasn't fooling anyone.

But… what she said to Yuzu _that_ night—when she was tired, and had lost the battle—it was the truth.

She would _always_ place her sister's happiness above her own.

Always dancing to a tune of her own, swaying by herself and watching the two lovers wrap themselves in their own little world; she had tried so hard to watch afar and ignore those feelings of betrayal. Feelings that never stopped growing, straining her not just with words but gestures to. And it was beginning to break her.

And her limit was broken. She could no longer handle it.

So here Karin sits, contemplating her situation and reclining on the rooftop.

"Hey." And here he is, the love of her life, too blue eyed for the sky. He stands below her, mouth twisted into a wry grin.

Right here. Right now.

Him and her.

Hitsugaya Toushirou and Kurosaki Karin, family-in-laws.

And she hates their connection with a burning passion. Karin's a moth to that flame, and she's burning up right now.

"Hey you, what are you doing?" She cocks her head to the side and grins. The words come easily because teasing him has always been natural. Her legs flick back and forth, her hands settle on the red tiles, and Karin remains sitting, quite comfortable where she is.

"I was looking for you." He rolls his eyes, slightly shaking his head, as if to wonder why he's even bothering with this. But if he is, then he answers it immediately. "Yuzu sent me."

"Yeah?" Her voice falters, and she's almost certain that her heart tightens when she hears her sister's name uttered by him. But she tries to push past it, shake it off, and reply with a quip. "Don't have any mandarins with you, do you? To bribe me to come along?"

"No." He grins at that, chuckling under his breath. "Not this time."

"A pity, that." Karin laughs, and feels freer. Lighter. Dizzy on imaginary drugs. "Then I suppose I'm not going to move until you fetch me some."

He arches his eyebrow, not amused. "… and I'm supposed to believe that when I return, you'll stay here and won't be somewhere else?"

"Yep."

"Tough."

It's nice—no, _more_ than nice—how their banter flows together. It's… perfect.

"I think you've got abandonment issues." She retorts, grinning cheekily. Because, really, she just can't help it whenever she's around him; and it's meant to a joke, but he's a little slow to react and Karin wants to know what nerve she's hit.

"I think you're insane." He huffs and uses _shunpo_ to catch her off guard, taking her by the back of her _shihakushou_ and dragging her to their residence. "So, I'm taking precautions."

"Cheater." Sticks her tongue out, despite being aware that he can't see her, and tries to even out her breathing.

"Be quiet."

"Am I a bad influence, snowflake? A bad, _bad_ influence on you?"

"Shut up."

Laughter bursts through her, and Karin can only hope that it hides her hysteria.

Actually, she doesn't mind being dragged by him, since it's a change to the usual routine; walking, skipping, hopping and the like. Might be a little bit uncomfortable, but she can always make herself harder to drag, such as grabbing the unassuming (and unwilling) bystander. Plus, the sky is always nice to look at, moving before her very eyes.

How long has he know? The elder Kurosaki sister isn't certain if she truly wants to know.

"… dinner, then?"

Dusk isn't coming any time soon.

"Yuzu likes it when you help out." It's the truth, and nothing more.

"My _zanpakutou_ is not to be used for domestic tasks, snowflake." She shakes her head in mock disproval.

"Says the person who uses it more often than not, for _that _very function… you and your… _affinity_ for fruit."

And her cheeks cannot help but flush. She can't think of a comeback for that, and a grumble under her breath would sound childish.

"Oh, be quiet."

Yet he won't.

"What is it with you and the orange fruit family?"

"Oh, shut _up._" She's not averse to grumbling, adult or not; so she crosses her arms as well. Let people who see Hitsugaya Toushirou drag Kurosaki Karin across the whole of Seireitei think what they want.

Maybe minutes pass in their silence. Seconds, hours, Karin doesn't care. Not really. Because all she can do in her silence is to try not to concentrate on his hand barely touching her skin, every movement delicate on the gossamer silk robe, a shiver down her spine.

She licks her lips, suddenly dry. Wants to succumb to the temptation of reaching out and feeling the heat of his skin against hers; wants to feel his happiness wash away her sorrow, wash away her guilt of Yuzu—

And she just can't.

Not now. Not ever.

But his fingers flex from time to time and it rustles to her shoulder blade.

"Toushirou…" Quietly, she speaks, deciding to act and break this cycle. "I can't do this. Not any longer."

His grip loosens. He slows down. He stops. He stops holding her. He lets go.

"I know."

And Karin lands on the ground, palms softening the impact. But she imagines that her world is crumbling around her to the sound of his breathing so close to her. Exhaling, inhaling. She wants to cry like before and feel his arms around her. But if she did, he wouldn't touch her. Not unless he had to.

"I don't think any of us can."

… it's good that he's not touching her. The absence of contact is good. They're apart. Separated physically and only Yuzu binds them together. It's only the ground that supports her, her knees unable to gather the strength to stand.

"So, what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to move on, of course." She doesn't know why she laughs into a smile, stubbornly clinging to the façade. It's an involuntary defence, but Karin is desperate to scream _it's not fair!_ to the world. Because she didn't ask—she didn't _want_ to fall in love. Yet she did. "And you're going to stay here… and make my sister happy the best way you can. You hear me?"

"Right, alright." He nods his head, but his eyes are saying something that she can't quite understand.

He twists; she looks up. There are footsteps clacking across the floorboards, and they've arrived.

At the Hitsugaya home.

They've reached their destination.

But they still have a few second left before the door opens and Yuzu grins and welcomes them inside.

"And what about you?" Her special snowflake's voice is soft and so full of concern that Karin hates herself for loving it so much. Loving _him_ so much. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. You know me, I'm _always_ okay." Trying to shrug it off isn't working, both of them can see that, and she can hardly stand him looking at her right now. Her face is going to belie her. Any moment now, tears are going to rise and make her eyes puffy. Except she won't let them fall. She'll wipe them away, every single one; all the while hoping that her smile is not as vulnerable as she feels right now. "I'm just going to go away for a bit."

"Karin." He tries to speak. But she won't listen, closing her eyes, because maybe that will make this easier, even if only a little bit. "Karin, don't."

"I have to." It's not healthy—it's not _right._ What she's feeling, however he views her… in the end, this will only hurt Yuzu more. "No, I want to."

_Need_ might be more accurate.

Karin has to _leave right now_ and just skip this dinner.

But her legs won't move, feeling like jelly.

Fine.

Then she'll just stand up and wobble all the way back to her house.

"Karin-chan?" _Kami. _She shuts her eyes and tries to muster up every ounce of her strength. _Yuzu._

When did the door open? Why didn't they hear her?

"I… I'm sorry." Karin says to Yuzu shakily, though she's looking at Toushirou. At last, her legs are beginning to move. "I just can't."

_I can't stay here._

And Hitsugaya Toushirou opens his mouth, no doubt trying to persuade her to stay for one last dinner. For Yuzu, if nothing else. But he's torn, conflicted, and doesn't know who to look at. He glances at Yuzu, his wife; he glances at Karin, his best friend. Both stare at him, willing him to make a move. Choose. Decide. _Now_.

So he does.

He gazes at her, and speaks to _her._

One he sees, the other he doesn't.

"Wait a second, Momo."

(And just like that, another limit has shattered, changing everything.)


	5. no

**no**

* * *

_… Yuzu._

He meant _Yuzu._ Of course he did.

He going to say _Yuzu_ and call her by her name.

So why did he call her _Momo_?

"Yuzu." He says, tasting the name which flows so easily on his lips. Speaks quietly to himself, and closes his eyes.

He doesn't—

He needs to think. Needs to differentiate – and find that line that was always (never) there. "Not Momo."

But self-imposed blindness can never last forever.

And his delusion, borne from hysterical madness, has at last come to an end.

He wonders why he's never seen it before. Wonders why he's never realized that he was so grief-stricken by his childhood friend's death that he unintentionally used this sweet, sweet girl as her replacement. He made her smile, made her laugh, made her marry him and be his wife. This was the life that Momo herself could have lived, had she… had she chosen him and instead, in his penance, he'd chosen Yuzu, a girl similar in naivety, gentleness and optimism, and tainted her.

… oh.

He _does _know.

The answer is right in front of him, as it has always been, and he's been blinding himself all this time.

It only took one word, and that changed everything:

_Momo._

When spoken aloud, his subconscious jolted him back to reality.

The loss, the sorrow… it was still there, bare and streaked across the darkest corner of his heart. Hands shook, remembering the blood lingering on his skin. Almost like a rose petal, the colour of her blood, before fading, before withering away. And yet the thorns remained, pricking his finger, casting his emotions to sleep.

Only now did he awaken truly, ripped apart from his daydream. The pain remains, yet it's an echo than a fresh wound.

Even so, quick words and a rush of blood, a taste of lime and tangor, hands and hearts, he's finally _conscious_, and free from his numbing slumber.

All along…

He loved a shadow; it's nothing more than that.

_Abandonment issues._

Karin was right. As insufferable and crushing it is to admit it. She's right.

He loved a shadow, because it tethered him to sanity. Because he had to survive and find a way to redemption; for Momo, for himself – as long as he lived. And, perhaps, in the back of his mind, he thought he found that redemptive path in Yuzu. She was the shadow of a girl who had long since disappeared, slain by his hands. Perhaps he had sworn in the wake of one nightmare, interspersed with candlelight, that with his hands, she would live and be happy.

But she—Yuzu—was, and is, more than that, more than just a mere shadow, more than seeing someone that reminded him of his precious friend.

He _did_ love Yuzu. He _did_ love his wife.

But he used her as a substitute; and that, in the end, isn't love at all.

Yuzu had soothed him and dulled the sharpened broken edges of his heart. She'd done it, she did it so perfectly and faultlessly, in ways Momo never could and… and it wasn't enough.

Not enough, never enough – because he was searching for some unattainable thing.

He loves her, yes, but he hadn't fallen _in love_ with her.

And Hitsugaya Toushirou opens his eyes, seeing the sky and a wall where once a person stood, and he feels so lost. Empty. Hollow. Mouth dry, his throat is parched, and he blinks, trying to regain control over himself and the mess he's made.

Karin is gone.

Too late.

There's this desperation emerging from him, caught in his lungs and shaking hands, and he tries to quell those emotions. The loss of a love, the loss of a friend, the loss of a idealism that he has tried so hard to maintain to survive. Denial masquerades in feelings of betrayal, when all he has done is betrayed himself.

But it's more than that.

He hasn't _just_ betrayed himself.

He's betrayed Momo, Yuzu, Karin and… _Yuzu._

His Adam's apple bobs, as he tries to make amends and apologies and confessions, soon to spill from him. Avalanche, earthquake, tsunami, call it by any name, he's still made a mistake, and he intends to fix it.

"Yuzu." He turns to his wife, and there's more than two hearts breaking here. Steps forward while she steps back, shaking her head. "Yuzu, I'm—I—"

He can see it now, the traces of Momo ghosting over the features of Yuzu. From her wide eyes, and the slope of her nose, and the dip of her dimpled cheeks, to her gentle nature, and glimmer of a tear and beginning of a fractured smile; he sees both Momo's face and Yuzu's face. But it's more Yuzu than ever, and it's as if he's seeing her for the first time in his life. And maybe he is, because he's been seeing someone else in her place.

He wonders what he's trying to say.

He wonders which is more important.

He wonders why he's doing this.

_I'm sorry. _

_I love you._

Out of the two, which is more honest?

But he can't say another word, because he's made her cry.

(Because, truly, he never meant to hurt her.)


	6. it

**it**

* * *

Dreams became nightmares after that. Their bliss slowly burned to misery, a sluggish feeling which nearly suffocated them both with all those words left unspoken. Lilies withered, and yet Yuzu still cradled the sweet scented flowers in her hands, clinging to them, however hard it was to let go. But all the same, the petals scattered and ebbed away, as did her love for him.

Her bags are packed not too long afterwards.

And he, her husband, Hitsugaya Toushirou, does nothing.

Crestfallen, he does not attempt to stop her, does not speak, and does not help her find her clothes.

Instead, he watches her. Simply watches her, as if he's fascinated by everything she does, though he shies away when she looks at him, however rarely.

Everything that is hers is gone, tucked in her suitcase, and what remains of their home is a house with empty rooms, without an essence, a presence. It's a lonely place, Yuzu knows, and quietly sighs to herself. She wishes she could have at least made this a place of happiness.

"There." Softly, she speaks, and she knows that he's heard her. "It's done."

That's it. Over. The end.

And yet the ring remains on her finger, gold glinting. Her lips compress, words trembling on her tongue; and her eyelashes flutter quickly, blinking away the sudden rush of tears.

She sits on her—their—bed, feeling awkward and not knowing what to say now. He leans against the wall, shoulders hunched, his eyes never leaving her.

Neither one moves. Neither one speaks. And it feels like they are bound to wait here, static; while the world continues, ever onward.

Reflecting on the past, bittersweet nostalgia; they sit and stand in their respective places.

Perhaps it was inevitable, and this relationship was doomed from the start. They were never meant to be.

Regardless, Yuzu cherished what they shared and the memories they made together. Hand in hand, laughs and smiles, Karin and her fetish for daidai not too far behind. These are her memories, the emotions she felt. These are her experiences, and therefore, not her life was not a lie. What she felt was real, and she was no one other than herself during the marriage, never lying. Her husband may see it differently, view her as a replacement for Momo, but those are his thoughts. And the truth is, she could have said _no _to him if she really wanted. She could have ended the courtship, and rejected the marriage proposal, long before this even started. But she had felt something for him, she had fallen in love with him, and therefore she hold some of the blame, letting the charade continue past the point of no return. And perhaps, she _is_ still angry at him, that he wasn't honest with her.

But, even so, this was her marriage. This was her life.

She lived it. She loved it, and she regrets not a thing.

So she stands, stronger now, ready to make the first step.

And for the first time, Hitsugaya Toushirou does not flinch, meeting her gaze.

"Did you love me?" The question is barely audible, but it's going to be answered. Confidence has broken, and must be restored before she makes another step. Yuzu will ask the questions that have made her insecure.

Head bowed, his eyebrows furrow. His hesitation is answer enough, yet he speaks despite the obvious. "Once. I thought I did. I thought…I thought I loved you." He pauses, wavering in his stoicism, blue eyes stricken. "I never _meant_ to deceive you, Yuzu."

"No," Yuzu murmurs soothingly, pacifying him in dulcet tones, "I know."

Wants to say _it's not your fault_, but it is. It _is_, and there's no getting away from that.

Even if… she still loves him. And she's torn, unsure whether to forgive him or not. Part of her thinks she has already, yet another part is relentless and unmerciful.

"But… was I always Momo to you?"

"Not always." Voice low, he shakes his head; about to reach out, before drawing away. "Those flowers… they weren't her favourite. She didn't really like lilies, to be honest. There were other flowers with different scents and she… they… weren't… they weren't her." His voice dies away, fading into a mumble. "I saw lilies… and thought of you. I didn't… I didn't see her."

And then a smile comes, soft and gentle, taking Yuzu by surprise, and she's crying again, but it's a different sort of tears to the ones of before.

He can be sweet sometimes, and clueless, and the tears are falling faster than she can catch them.

All the same, she wipes them away, because she's got to be strong, got to be strong and carry this through.

"When you showed her to me, I thought she was beautiful, you know." Yuzu says to him simply, remembering those photos which were hidden and kept in boxes left to dust. "Momo."

She can recall that day with perfect clarity. How keen she was to tidy and explore their new home and to open new presents. How anxiously he glanced at one in particular.

Laughing, and utterly happy, she took his hand and asked if they could open that box together. He seemed a little uncomfortable, but agreed all the same.

It was his memory box. His memory box containing photos of a girl with violet eyes and dark hair. At times it was loose, other times it was tied up in pigtails or in a bun; but her smile never faltered, each equally as bright as the next. And then Yuzu looked sideways and saw his expression, pained and so sad. And then she knew, before her mouth opened and asked the question. She was Momo, of course. The girl who meant so much to him. And Yuzu hugged him then, because she didn't know what else to do. Yuzu was there, and she kissed away his sorrow.

Or… she tried to, at least.

"You would have liked her." Quietly, he speaks, unable to reach her eyes. "I'm sure of it."

"Maybe." Yuzu sighs, stepping closer to the door. But she'll never really know. And there's not much point dwelling on 'what ifs'. The present is the present, and the past cannot be changed.

And then she's at the door, hand around the handle, and something is telling her to not go. Not in words, but… in _reiatsu_. It holds onto her, trying to seep into her essence.

"Yuzu." Toushirou says her name, and Yuzu wets her lips, wishing that this wasn't so hard.

She's not angry at him. Not anymore. The first few days, yes. She could barely stand to look at him. She didn't shout, didn't raise her voice, didn't even raise a finger against him. Because she could never kindle her temper, and it dissipated with every ironed out crease and cleaned window, therapeutic to her. Perhaps it was his expression, so vulnerable, that quietened her rage. Yet she isn't a vengeful person by nature, and after committing to a few resolutions, she came to the decision.

Her. Nobody else.

And it's nearly time.

Over her shoulder, she looks at him, perhaps the last time for a while.

"Did I make you happy?" Despite everything, she wants to know this more than anything else. She still loves him, and she still cares for him. Even if he saw her as someone else, even if this marriage wasn't real to him… it was to _her_, it mattered to _her._

And this is her final question.

She knows his smile, this smile that curves across his face. Knows every inch that it spreads and sees every emotion within it, how the pain is still there, a reluctance to show, bewildered and poignant. The answer is there, so open and barefaced, even without his whisper of:

"Yes."

She's seen it so often on Karin's face. It's the smile that promises to move forward and let the good overcome the bad. And now it's on his face.

"I'm glad." She laughs lightly, more to herself and in relief than anything else. She raises her hand to brush away a few loose strands of her fringe, hiding her face. She doesn't want him to see her expression. "I wanted to make you so happy. So… full of joy."

So she turns away, because she is going to cry again if she looks any longer. Takes a deep breath and opens the door. She can do this. She can do this.

"I love you."

And the worst part is that she knows that he means it. He means it more than any other time he's said those three words.

He loves her. But not the way he thinks and not the way she wants.

Standing still, her eyes flutter shut for only the briefest of moments. She sees him for who he is; a child, too young for his mind and too old for his emotions.

"No, you don't." She murmurs and does not glance at him.

Instead, she looks at her ring, gilded and untarnished, and trembles, unbeknownst to him.

The ring slips so smoothly off her finger as if it was never there at all.

And she waits.

And she breathes.

And she faces him once more. Musters every ounce of her courage, and walks toward him, ring enclosed in her hand, shaking slightly.

"Here." Yuzu murmurs, drinking in the intensity of his blue eyes. "This belongs to you."

It's done. Over. The end.

Skin against skin, her ring still warm, placed tenderly on the palm of his hand.

That's it.

"Take care of yourself, Toushirou-kun." She smiles a broken smile and kisses his cheek one last time; allowing herself this last intimacy. And his arms snake around her waist, holding on for only a little while.

Then she steps back, walking to the door.

"Be happy, please."

And she crosses the threshold, leaving Hitsugaya Toushirou forever.

(Time to walk away with her head held high.)


	7. don't

**don't**

* * *

She doesn't leave.

She can't.

Instead, she paces, staring out the window, arms folded. Thinks about what she did and what she said. And how she ran away from him, terrified that if she spent a moment longer with him… everything would spill; and she couldn't have that. Not in front of—

A knock on the door disrupts her thoughts.

Her head turns, startled by the sound. She knows who it is, recognises the _reiatsu _at once. How could she not? And her lips quirk into an involuntary smile because usually it's the other way around; and then she brushes away the tears that will never show on her face.

Above all else, she cannot break this rule: she must not cry.

The door opens.

"Yuzu," Karin says, smile fixed on her face. But the contrived smile only holds for a second because Yuzu has every emotion Karin feels (but does not show) written all over her heart-shaped face. "Oh, _Yuzu_."

Her hug, tight, enveloping, warm, and welcoming, is what her sister wants. That's what Ichi-nii has always said. Big sisters are there so they can protect their little sisters. And protection is exactly what Yuzu needs, a blanket that will shield her, a tissue to dry those tears which will fall. Karin will be that blanket and will be that tissue. And she knows in a heartbeat that Yuzu would do the same for her, if only Karin let her guard slip and unbuckle her armour, letting them to the ground.

But for now, Karin has to be the strong one.

"Tell me what happened." She presses a kiss to Yuzu's temple, holding Yuzu steady as she guides her sister to the sofa. Patient, she waits for Yuzu to shed every sorrow, so she can dry her sister's tears. Karin waits before she acts. Eats a satsuma because that's her soothing stimulus. Makes a cup of tea because that always helps Yuzu calm down. "Let it all out."

Yuz's words come tumbling out, the whole story, mumbled and spoken too quickly. But Karin pretends to be calm, stays by Yuzu's side. Because her little sister needs her.

This is the truth: her husband never loved her and was using her as a replacement for his childhood friend, who he was unable to let go of. The marriage was a sham. The love was a lie.

Yuzu has forgiven him for it.

Karin cannot.

Her bones scream to attack. Her muscles flex restlessly. But she has to get a grip, remain calm and level headed. Yuzu would not forgive her otherwise.

"Yuzu." Karin says again, and it feels like everything has crumbled into dust.

This time Yuzu looks at her, raising her red rimmed hazel eyes.

"I…" Yuzu swallows, struggling to talk and keep an even voice. But her voice wavers; it's heartbreaking how hard she tries all the same. Yuzu's words are bare audible. "I left him."

And Karin wonders what to feel.

She could be happy. This is her chance, the moment that she's been waiting for, hoping against the odds that he will be—

No.

She should be miserable. This is Yuzu's husband, whom her sister loves more than life itself. Who Yuzu has been madly in love with the whole time. So Karin should be angry. She should be furious. She—

"Karin?"

Karin closes her eyes. "_Kami…" _Breathing out, she forces her eyes open again, and sympathy flows from her solar plexus. It fills her and pours from every pore of her skin. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." And now Yuzu's tears fall once more, silent tears which cannot mend a broken heart. "It's not no one's fault. These things happen. Sometimes… sometimes marriages don't work out. I just didn't think that mine would be one of them. And…" Words falter, dying on her lips, and whatever the youngest Kurosaki sister is about to say is replaced with this: a quiet and muffled "… he didn't love me."

_What?_

And Karin wants to shout and smash and shred him to pieces. Throttle his mangy neck and…

And, oh… Yuzu is speaking again. Karin has to quell her rage or it will ruin everything.

Focus. Concentrate. Listen.

"… he called me 'Momo,' and then… everything made sense. The distance. The love. I… I think that's how it's always been. How he's always seen me, or… how he's _not_ seen me. So I did something. Something that would help him move on and let go. I left. He couldn't do it otherwise, so I… I helped him." Her eyes lower, and her small hands curl up in her lap. "… I left him."

The words ring hollow in Karin's ears.

Slowly sinking in.

"When?" Numb, Karin speaks. Her voice seems dead, not hers at all. She feels detached, so very detached from everything at the moment. Like every single emotion has simply disappeared, pulled by a plug, drained away and not going to come back.

This is reality, and Yuzu is looking at her again, and the emotions are overflowing.

"Just now."

"No, not that." Karin shakes her head, that isn't what she was referring to. "When did he call you Momo?"

Yuzu blinks slowly, puzzled. "You were there. You heard him. He said—he said…" She swallows and then continues, "'Wait a second, Momo'. You were right there, Karin."

So why can't she remember?

Karin does remember their last encounter. How she teased him and then grew sombre. How she made the decision to leave and saw his lips move soundlessly. _Wait a second—_gone.

That was a few days ago.

And she couldn't face either of them until now.

_Kami._

Momo… did he call Yuzu that? The name of the dead girl? Or did he call… _her_ Momo?

Is that what they are to him? _Replacements?_

Her heartbeat's erratic, hammering, and she wants to do _something_. Feel. Bleed. Hurt. Touch. Hug. Kiss. She thinks she's going insane.

"Karin-chan? Karin?" Tentative, Yuzu speaks, but her words feel so far away. A ripple, an echo, of what is and was. "Are… are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Mechanically, woodenly she says; not believing herself for a second. "Fine, Yuzu."

Her little sister frowns. "But you're crying."

"No, I'm not." The big sister shakes her head slightly. "I'm not."

"… You are." Reaching out, Yuzu's fingers brush against her cheek, and it's only then that Karin realizes that her cheeks are wet and that Yuzu's middle finger is bare. "Why are you so unhappy?"

"Because you're not happy." An automatic answer: it's as simple as that. "I'm unhappy because you're not happy."

"But it's not… _just_ that. There's more," The honey-haired girl says slowly, carefully. "Not solely because of this. Karin and Yuzu. When I'm happy, you're happy. When I'm unhappy, you're unhappy. That's true. But Karin… we're not mirrors. We're individuals too. So… what are you hiding?"

"The promise." Karin says listlessly, and she thinks she's made of stone. "That promise he made me, the one where he would always make you happy."

And he'd broken it.

_He'd_ _broken_ _Yuzu_.

"Karin…" Hesitating, but probing nonetheless, the younger sister tries again. "Tell me."

_I'm still in love with him._

But how?

_Why?_

Her mouth parts, ready to speak, but Karin can't say the words.

She stands up.

"I have to go."

"Karin!" And Yuzu grabs her arm, fresh tears running free. "Please. I'm here for you."

Maybe that's it.

The last straw.

She just snaps.

"No. No, Yuzu, you're _not_." She is so _sick_ of this. She's sick, and tired, and she can't pretend anymore. "I'm in love with him! I'm in…" Lowers her voice, she's been shouting, and her voice is almost a whisper now. "… in love with Toushirou. I have been for so, so _long_." And it feels good to get it all out in the open. Liberating. "You haven't been there for me. Not like I've been there for you. For _you_, Yuzu."

Karin wants to take her sister's shoulders and shake her until she sees sense. Yuzu has to _know_ this. What she's done to protect Yuzu as much as possible.

But instead, there's only blankness and confusion, mixed in with pity on her sister's face.

"And what…" Yuzu stops, then starts, voice neutral, trying to find control over the situation and make it civil. "What have you done?"

"Everything! I tried to stay away, I tried to move on, I tried to forget about him… and nothing worked." Missions – _countless_ missions to slew Hollows, a frenzied fever… that only her snowflake saved her from. And got hurt in the process. But by injuring himself, he helped her. He made her realize that feelings don't just go away, even if they're submerged in a one track mind. And she still loved him. _Still_.

Even if she doesn't exactly know why. It doesn't make sense! She should _hate_ him because of what he's done to Yuzu.

"Why didn't you tell me?" There's an edge of hysteria to her voice, one that Karin has never heard before. But then, Yuzu has never lost so much. Never knew that her sister has been hiding a secret so damning. Everything that Yuzu depended on has been taken away from her.

Toushirou has already broken her heart. Now Karin has too.

"Because if you knew, you'd be hurt." She looks away when she says that, afraid of her sister's reaction.

"Lots of things hurt, Karin. But hiding that, from me, for so long, smiling all the time, acting if nothing was wrong… that hurts _more_. If you told me, I would have helped. I'd have been there for you!"

This is Yuzu: raw, angry and betrayed in so many ways.

"But… I'm supposed to protect you. _I'm_ _your big sister._" Karin's supposed to be the strong one. Instead, she's having a shouting match, against the person she never thought she would.

"Karin, I'm not made of glass!" There's a pause, and Karin realizes that's exactly how she's seen her sister. Fragile. Ready to break at any moment. Yuzu continues, quieter now, apparently realizing that that's how she's been viewed. "I'm not as weak as everyone thinks. Fourth Division simply needs a different sort of strength."

Fourth Division: always the butt of jokes. Always under appreciated.

In a stronger, gentler voice Yuzu continues to speak. "I can take care of myself; I don't need you to do that for me."

It's in the following silence that Karin collapses into Yuzu's arms. Unsure how to deal with Yuzu's statement, her head feels dizzy, the room swirls around her. Her job, her most important job, to keep Yuzu safe, has been removed. Protecting Yuzu, against all costs, has been such an integral part of her.

"Oh, Karin. You didn't… no…" And she doesn't let go, cheek resting on Karin's dark hair. "Why do you think we have Ichi-nii, you idiot? So he can take care of us. And you have me. So _I_ can take care of you." A kind smile graces her lips, hopelessly curved. "The little sister is there to hold the fort when the big sister is down."

Their anger has abated, and while the grief remains, tenderness and affection for each other surpasses everything else.

"Love you." Karin murmurs, shifting slightly, her head resting on her shoulder.

"Love you too," Yuzu says, holding her tight.

Karin and Yuzu.

Yuzu and Karin.

It feels like they're twins again.

"I'm sorry." Her voice muffled, the elder sibling sits up but still rests near to Yuzu. "About Toushirou."

Karin wonders if her younger sister is going to flinch and be filled with bitterness for the world.

But instead, Yuzu holds on, hands entwined, and while there are traces of citric acrimony, there's more hope which can be seen.

"Me too."

And there's not much to say after that.

(But her blood still bays for vengeance.)


	8. breakeven

**breakeven**

* * *

In hindsight, he should have moved on.

In hindsight, he should have done that first.

In hindsight, he should have seen this coming.

Because everything was leading up to this moment – her rage, her fist, and her tears.

Then darkness.

As he drifts in and out of consciousness, he contemplates whether he should make a note. This is the second time Karin has put him in hospital. The first time, it changed his life and forced him to view everything differently.

The second time… only time will tell.

And yet, he cannot bring himself to face reality. Not yet.

For now, he prefers to remain in darkness; dwell in his head because it's much more comfortable than opening his eyes.

He tries to think of Momo, but her face does not emerge from the shadows. He tries to think of Yuzu, but all he can hear is the turning of a page, like when they shared the same bed. He tries to think of Karin; but there's a wall of anguish suffocating him, and her tears run down his face.

With that, he wakes, stirred from his isolating slumber.

His cheeks are wet.

And pages are still being turned.

The name comes with a dazed smile, he still feels light-headed.

"… Yuzu."

Looking up from the book in her hands, she stiffens.

His smile fades. He's conscious now, fully conscious.

And he sees her: a person of three.

Momo, in her gentle demeanour.

Karin, in her open confidence.

Yuzu, honey gold and hazel brown.

"Hey there." Yuzu says softly, shyly. Hands rest on her lap, middle finger bare, settling on a closed book. There's an apology on the sight curve of her lips. "How are you feeling?"

Bluntly, he tells her, "My head hurts."

Pursing her lips, she thinks, her eyes sliding to the side. Bites her lips slightly, not quite the corner of her mouth – she's not sure how to say something. "It would hurt. When Karin-chan lost her temper, she… she hurt you more than she intended. But by then the damage was done, and she told me what happened."

"It's my fault."

"Partly, yes." Yuzu concedes quietly, then continues. "But it's Karin's fault too." Quieter, cheeks flushed, Yuzu speaks. "She didn't have to do that."

"Would you have done it instead?" he asks her recklessly, gauging his ex-wife's reaction.

Ex-wife. Ex-husband. Ex-married. That's what they are now.

"No." Pained, she shakes her head, hurt that he'd even ask. "You've been through too much. I would never want you to suffer more."

"But you hate me."

It's not a question, but all the same, Yuzu takes her time to find an answer.

"… I'm entitled to. But, if I've already forgiven you, what is the point of hatred?"

Cerulean blue eyes open, and simply admire her.

Words simply flow; he has no control over what he says.

And he's left breathless.

"You're beautiful. Wholly, completely, utterly beautiful."

He means it, yet he wonders what she makes of that.

She stands up, soft face hardening. "Take care of yourself, Toushirou-kun."

And her words hurt just as much.

Stunned, he watches the distance widen between them. Again.

He cannot close it, helplessly confined in his bed.

"It was me, wasn't it?" Yuzu doesn't look back, not facing him. "Who you called 'Momo.'"

"Yes," He cannot face her either. "I'm sorry."

It was always Yuzu, and never Karin who became Momo to him.

His ex-wife shifts, debating something internally before turning to face him. "Do you want to know why I've forgiven you?" In the silence, Toushirou stares at her, unable to decipher the expression on her face. He must have nodded, because she tells him. "Because you haven't forgiven yourself."

Silence.

"Don't live like that, Toushirou-kun. Not forever."

He exhales, feeling uncomfortable. It's not helping the awkward atmosphere. "Thank you… for visiting."

She understands instantly, inclining her head. Brushes a lock of hair behind her ear, a less noticeable gesture of nervousness. "Karin-chan wants to see you." The door slides open, and if he didn't know before, he knows now. He's lost her. "Tell her you're sorry, and be kind."

The door shuts.

Yuzu's gone.

He sits up, and rubs his cheeks, eradicating dried tears marks. He shouldn't cry, whether these tears are his or not. Sighing, he wonders what to think about. Then he flops back on the bed, swallowed by the stark white bed sheets. He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes, breathing in and out, and feeling absolutely ridiculous because of it. Voices murmur, and he's sure that it's all in his head.

_Why_ didn't he move on? _Why_ did he use a replacement to anesthetize his grief? _Why_ didn't he kill himself when he lost the person he loved most?

Because he was a coward, too afraid to move, too afraid to die, too afraid to do anything else but stay in a dream that would slowly deconstruct itself. He had wanted to remain blissfully asleep, where he was married to Yuzu, he could pretend that everything was fine. That Momo was a memory, and he had moved on.

And yet he hadn't.

Wouldn't.

Because he hadn't even thought about a life without Momo. To live without her, it seemed impossible.

In his slumber, his dream went like this: he killed his best friend, he moved on, and he married someone who would heal him completely.

In his reality, his life went like this: he killed his friend, he never forgave himself, and he used someone to fill the void.

And he woke up: back where he started, on the battlefield, his _zanpakutou_ stabbing Momo straight through the heart. And where he stood, outside his house, his words stabbed Yuzu straight through the heart.

But all the same, his dream had dissolved. He could not keep his fragile fantasy. Momo was no more. And neither was Yuzu.

Here he was, living a life without Momo, 'living' in the loosest sense of the word.

_Kami,_ he has been such a fool.

"Should I come back another day, or should I just watch you lie in your self-pity a little while longer?"

"Go away, Karin." It's an automatic reaction, that. He doesn't move, hands remaining exactly where they are, eyelashes fluttering against his palms.

He changes his mind. "No, don't." His hands scuttle back behind his head, but his eyes remain closed. "What do you want?"

"To speak. If you'll let me." She's leaning on the wall, the furthest she can be from him without leaving the room. He can sense that much, and he knows her. When he doesn't respond, Karin continues. "Are you alright?"

"Peachy." He pauses, then rephrases, "Better than last time."

"Last time you weren't pushed off a building."

"No, last time I was attacked by a Hollow. Being pushed off a building and surviving is a better alternative, I'd say."

"You'd know." She shrugs, complacent with that answer.

He opens his eyes; Karin's staring at the ceiling, blinking too fast.

"… I'm sorry." The middle child of the Kurosakis says. "I honestly didn't think my temper would…" She stops, begins again. "I snapped, okay? I didn't mean to – I just lost control."

"I deserved it." Toushirou sits up, accepting the apology. "You don't need to explain yourself. I get it – I messed everything up. I was a blind idiot. I broke my promise, and I don't deserve your forgiveness."

This, apparently, is the wrong thing to say.

"Forgiveness?" Karin narrows her eyes, nearly seething, deathly still. "What makes you think that I've _forgiven _you? Make no mistake, I didn't intend to hurt you, that's true, but I don't intend to forgive you either. Yuzu may have done. But I haven't. I can't just walk away like she has."

"No, you're right." Cold, he responds, wanting her anger to burn him. "You just cling_._ Because you can't let go."

"And _you_ can?" She mocks him, eyes flashing. "You think that you can say sorry to Yuzu and everything is going to be okay with me? You think that you can say a few choice words and just assume that life can resume its natural course? You think that's it? It's not. I'll say it again and again, if I have to: they're _gone, _snowflake, both Momo and Yuzu. They're not coming back."

Raising his voice because he can match both her volume and acidity, he shocks her. "So why are you still here?"

But then he lowers his tone, quieter, calmer, "Why continue this? You've said what you needed to say. What else do you want?"

He's just so tired of this.

And so is she.

"I want something more than words. I want you to pay for what you've done to Yuzu. I want you to suffer and hate yourself as much as I do for involving her in your tainted life. And I know you will, but I also know that _nothing _you do, try as you might, will ever be enough."

Karin slumps, sliding down the wall. She sits and makes herself comfortable. "Is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to scream at you until you finally start listening to me and give in to common sense?" She pulls her hair away from her face and sighs. "What do I want?" Shrugs. "I don't know the answer to that. But I don't want to leave you. Not yet."

Silence descends, drags, and leaves them to ponder.

He wonders what Momo would think if she knew what her death did to him. But it's like Yuzu said; too late. Like it's always been.

And why must his thoughts always return to Momo? She isn't here anymore. It's like Karin said; not coming back. Neither is Yuzu. Too late. Again.

Why won't he move on, like Karin asks of him? She's here, though she hasn't always been.

"Look at us. We're hopeless, you and me." Karin exhales, shoulders heaving up and down, arms encircling one knee, while the other is sprawled on the floor. "I thought if I left, things would be better. Instead, well, not so much. Now I can't go."

"Why not?" Settling into his pillow, he asks her. Doesn't care how weird this 'truce' is. "Go. Leave. Come back one day."

"Yuzu. She needs me." She fidgets, but Toushirou decides to ignore this.

"So take her with you. Take Kurosaki Ichigo too, for that matter. One big holiday. One happy family."

She snickers. "You're just saying that 'cause you know he'll hunt you down when he finds out."

"It's only a thought." He scowls.

"Right. I'll grab the old man too, just in case. But where would that leave us? We go; have a nice break; we return. Our problem is still there. You." She waits, watching his reaction. Then adds in a quieter tone. "What are you going to do?"

"I—"

"Wait." She lifts her hand, interrupting him. "Let me guess. You'll pine. Mope about. Go to bed and wake up and find photos of yourself in that position that I found you in just now. I'll take them personally and send them all over Seireitei. I'll be sure to ask someone if that's a yoga technique."

"Stop being so snarky."

"What can I say, snowflake." Karin deadpans. "You bring it out of me."

"…" He doesn't reply to that. Sad thing is its probably true; and also the same in reverse.

"So, what are you going to do?" Gentler now, the darker haired twin asks him.

"Why do you care?"

"Because I'm in love with you," she says simply. No running. No hiding. No rings or daydreams to stop them. "That's why."

When did she drop her façade and become so brave? "Karin—"

"Look, I don't know _how_ or _why_, okay? But I _am._ I may not forgive you, I may not even _like_ you at this very moment, but I… well, I care. About you. I want you to move past this. I want you to be alright. That's it, really."

She stands up, walks towards him.

Narrowing the distance.

And her expression is wistful, and his throat is dry, and he just doesn't know what to say.

"I'm asking you, what are you going to do?"

He breathes out. "I'll live, I suppose. Seek therapy, and eventually, I'll be alright."

Karin's head tilts, curious. "Is that it?"

"Maybe. That's the general idea." He shrugs, frustrated because he doesn't know the answer. There's no plan, he hasn't the slightest clue to his future.

And that's not right, not who he is. "I don't want to be like _this_ anymore. I don't want to hold on to someone who's not there."

Karin sits on the bed, gazing at the bedside table. Joining her, it's the first time he notices it: flowers in a glass vase. Its floral scent is sweet and compliments that lazy orange perfume that Karin wears.

"Yuzu's touch?" He asks.

"Yeah." The elder sister nods and then pauses, her mouth open, but words remain unsaid. Her cheeks flush, apple red, and she looks at him. "That future of yours, do you want me to be there?"

"… I thought you hated me." And with good reason.

"I _dislike_ you – there's a difference." Karin corrects, adding, "And I haven't forgiven you, either, before you ask. But we're…" What are they, truth be told? Ex-brother and sister in laws? "… friends, I guess."

"You still consider us friends?"

"No—yes… maybe." She scowls and rolls her eyes, annoyed by his response. "Don't—don't do that, alright? That digging yourself deeper crap you seem so fond of." Her bones clink as she scratches behind her ear, trying to think of a way to say this. "But given time – you stop being a nutcase, I learn to control my temper, we grow up a little, forgive and forget, maybe friends then. _That _future_,_ however far away or close by it is… I want to know: do you want me to be there, or are you going to watch me walk away, right here, right now?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I'm giving you a choice." Karin leans back, hair cascading down her shoulders, dark eyes slanted towards him. "Because I love you. Because neither Momo nor Yuzu are going to come back. Pick any of us, but tell me your answer."

He mulls over this, and perhaps, Karin's right.

Momo left, she died at his hands.

Yuzu left, and that's his fault too. But even as the door shut behind her, he didn't fight for her. He simply let Yuzu go.

And yet Karin has left and come back, fighting him, possibly even _for_ him, and she's letting this parting end on his terms.

A life without Momo.

A life without Yuzu.

A life without Karin.

And he knows the answer.

"I want you there." Because their friendship, bruised and battered as it is, was _real_. Out of the three, he cannot imagine a life without Karin. One he has been living without for quite some time; the other he did not see. But Karin… was different. "To be there, in that future."

"Would you promise, Toushirou, that you'll wait for me? No matter how long it takes for me to forgive you?"

He considers this: it is not a promise lightly made. It's a commitment, a delicate oath which depends on both of them. It's possible that only one of them will uphold it. It's possible that in the end, all they can be is friends.

His mind is made up, but something holds him back.

"But I've already made you a promise, Karin… I broke it." Cautiously, he reminds her. Has she forgotten? Or is she merely testing him?

"That's right." Karin nods, acknowledging this. "You have." She pauses, considering what she's about to ask, and pursues it regardless. "Even so, this unbroken promise, would you make it?"

_Would you keep it?_

"Yes." Hitsugaya Toushirou nods. "I would. I'd promise that I'd wait for you, no matter what."

She looks at him, and in her eyes is disappointment.

"That's great. That's wonderful. But_ I_ can't make that promise. I can't be in that future of yours."

He failed the test.

"Right now, you are the glass vase that's on the table." Lifting said vase, she plucks the single flower, rolling the stem between her fingers. Karin still gazes at the flower, deep in thought. She doesn't look relieved, instead, she looks regretful. And she drops the vase; the shattering almost a scream of ice to his ears. "You're the shards on the floor. Now, I can pick up the pieces, sure, but I won't. You have to that. You have to put yourself together again. By yourself. _For _yourself." Her voice dies away. He can barely hear her, but he does, all the same. Somehow. "Don't make me your reason, snowflake. I won't be used like that."

Her question was hypothetical. A shaped possibility which might become reality. That doesn't mean it had to.

But it hurts – to be given hope – and see it snatched away.

"Look, I have waited and waited, and I won't any more. I can't be your friend. I don't want to forgive you. Because you're right: you broke a promise, you broke my trust, you broke Yuzu." She stands up, smoothes out her _shihakushou_, and sighs. Her voice stays even, quietly and sombrely spoken "And if I had to choose, between you and her, it would always be Yuzu."

"I'll wait. Just in case."

He can hear it, his desperation present in every nuance of his voice.

"Snowflake…" Karin licks her lips, tongue darting out, her cheeks slightly flushed. Her shoulders shrug half-heartedly. "You don't get it. You can rebuild yourself all you like, say you pick up the pieces, put them back together again… all the same, I won't be there."

"What about here? Now?" He's so scared, and he hates it.

"Maybe I'll watch, Toushirou, but I won't wait."

And this is it: the end of him and her, and what they could have had.

She leaves him, and what remains are the shattered fragments of the glass vase.

Perhaps what she says is right: the glass can be mended, properly, painstakingly put together – not a slapdash job like he tried before. It can appear to be the way it used to be: crystallized and smooth. But the tiny cracks will remain.

Karin will know, where each one lies. She will turn away, flower in her hand, holding on for a while and then letting the breeze take it wherever it pleases. Because she will not play games with no consequences. Games like that do not exist.

Instead, she will move on, and find a love that deserves her.

(While he remains lost, stuck in twilight road of possibilities, holding nothing but a trice shattered heart.)

* * *

**a/n.**_ Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. It's definitely been interesting to write. I hope you enjoyed it._


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